blogging in class

Reasons why I don’t really talk to professors

1.) With the experiences I’ve had, if I’m wrong, they will rub it in my face until I can’t even think anymore. It’s not even a joke anymore, it’s gotten to the point where I am terrified of it, because all my life I have been told my self-worth is linked to my intelligence, which is linked to a number that indicates how well a professor thinks I’ve learned the material.

I suppose with this I should give some small details. I’ve been diagonsed with Manic Depression, and an anxiety disorder. I have had panic attacks before. I am not the most mentally stable person in the entire world, far from it actually.

Constantly berating me leads to probably the worst points I have. Inversely, if you try to compliment me and acknowledge I do something right, I don’t accept it and think I can always do better, to be a better person.

2.) Because of anxiety, I clam up in an instant, and if I need to speak it will be in simple sentences. And when you are Mathematics major, they don’t care that you know what the derivative of x squared is, they care that you can explain everything in the universe pertaining to the question. So, panic begins to seize my voice, and soon, as quickly as I have come for help, I quickly shut up.

3.) I shame myself, for having to get help. It’s not a matter of pride, it’s a matter of my family’s attitude of me, as a “brilliant child, who will grow out of this pit and get a decent job”. They think I shouldn’t need help, I’m better off than most people. I’m the fucking Valedictorian. Apprently, I never grow out of that title now. I never grow out of the honors system, out of the list of people who dedicate their lives to pleasing the professor. Even though I have. Even though I have formed my own opinions, and came to my own conclusions, they still see me as the perfect dutiful student.

Lastly, people scare me. Period.

So, if I should leave before the end
I pray my withdrawl goes through
And if it doesn’t,

You might not see me here again.

Daily Prompt: Que Sera Sera

Daily Prompt: Que Sera Sera.

There are times I believe in “the future is set, and you will discover your destiny”. Most of the time, however, I feel like destiny is something you yourself have to create, carve out of the stone that is your life. That is to say, your actions create your future, your “fate”, as it is.

I like to use the analogy of my favorite thing ever, video games. There’s one particular one I love so much, part of the Zero Escape series, called Virtue’s Last Reward. The game is built around this mechanic of being able to rewind in a timeline and choose a different action, causing a different outcome. Every different action, different choice gave either some kind of Game Over, or revealed more of the story plot, making it so you had to use the “rewind” function to actually complete the game.

Although you can’t rewind your life, your current life will choose your future life, and one small thing can create a whole different outcome. So, although through this logic, it seems there is a path that will always be set out, like the video game. The thing is, you have to get this path. Maybe you end up somewhere else, off the timeline (you broke physics. Congratulations.).

Anyway, no more tangents, there is such thing as destiny, but you create it, but actions can be traced to form a line, but you have to perform these actions which will then follow the line and ow, my brain malfunctioned.